Flying a wooden barrel to the moon with his imaginary, half Spanish alien friend, Bobby, had always been James’ life long dream. Although this may seem a very odd life long dream and you may say to your self, Why couldn’t he have a normal life long dream, like wanting to eat 7 litres of bubble gum ice cream, or wanting to drink 12 bottles of Dr.Pepper then be able to fill the bottles up again just by squirting Dr.Pepper out of your left nostril? But that’s just the way James is; a weird, strange, lonely, incredibly handsome young man. He said to his mum one sunny afternoon, he said,
“Mum, see that up there?”
“What, James? The stove?”
“No, a little more up.”
“Window?”
“No, no, more to your left.”
“My goodness! Call 000! The bird’s cage is on fire!”
Well maybe that’s a bad example.
James said to his mum one dark, cloudless night,
“Mum, see that up there?”
“The moon?”
“Yes.”
“Well, yes, I see the moon, sonny”
“And see that down there?”
“That wooden barrel?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, I see that wooden barrel.”
“And Mum…?”
“WHAT IS IT NOW?”
“Do ya see that?”
“The rubbish bin?”
“No. no, no. Higher.”
“The fan?”
“No, diagonally down and right”
“The can of spinach?”
“No mum, can’t you see him? Bobby, my imaginary, half Spanish, alien friend?”
“No, but keep going”
“Well, if you put them all together, what do you get?”
“Well, the moon, a wooden barrel and an imaginary half Spanish alien friend.”
“No, Mum. Isn’t it obvious? You get millions of dollars in cash!”
That was the first time James had told anyone of his life long dream. Well, except for Bobby, the wooden barrel and the moon. He thought that he should warn them; after all, they would one day, win him early retirement, ‘friends’, fame and fortune.
But James needed something very important before he went to the moon. Was it love? Respect? World domination? No. It was sponsorship. Well, test barrels don’t come cheap, you know. James went to the airport. He knew his destination: the land of hopes, dreams, lights, aspirations and futures. But there were no flights left, so he spun around and pointed to a sign that read, “Uzbekistan”. Little did James know it would land him his first true love, near death experiences and a bag of salted peanuts. Boy, the times James had with those salted peanuts. He took them everywhere until one day when an anonymous stranger saved his life …….
“Duck!”
“What did you say?”
“Duck down! The Uzbeckers are coming!”
James ducked down while saying, “Who or what are the Uzbeckers?”
The stranger replied, “They the rebel force controlling most of Northern Uzbekistan.”
James heard gunshots; he heard many gunshots that unforgettable day. A bullet was fired and plummeted into his heart! Surprisingly, he felt no pain! James looked down and all he saw was his bag of salted peanuts shattered all over the ground! The peanuts had jumped out of his pocket and leapt in the way of the bullet to save their master!
“Noooooooo!” he shouted
“Damn you Uzbeckers! DAMN YOU ALL! Why not take me? I’m less tasty!”
At that point in time James said to himself, “I’ll hunt down those Uzbeckers if it’s the last thing I ever do!”
All that night and for five more nights James was crying. At his hotel people heard of his ordeal and brought him peanuts: sugar coated peanuts, coloured peanuts and royal peanuts, but it just wasn’t the same. He would never find anything that would save his life and taste really, really good. Then he saw the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen. She walked in; his mouth fell open. Her hat! He had to have her hat! The hat had blue dots, red racing stripes and a little yellow dot up the top….and finally….a peanut dispenser! James offered her ten Uzbeck cheques, twenty Uzbeck cheques and finally fifty Uzbeck cheques! James later worked out that he had offered her over $5000 Australian dollars! But it was all worth it because he had the most beautiful thing in the world: a peanut dispensing hat! He had got the most he could out of Uzbekistan and it had got $5000 au and his old and dearest friend, that bag of salted peanuts, out of him. James wondered where he would go next, so he started to spin round while thinking to himself could he possibly be the first person to fly a wooden barrel to the moon with his imaginary half Spanish alien friend Bobby. If he wanted to be the first person to do it, he decided he would need some practice. So James decided to float in a wooden barrel to Sweden!
It was a long and treacherous journey but James managed to keep his sanity by talking to his wonderful new hat, Arthur, making fun of seagulls, counting the number of celebrities with a comb over towards the left side (7 including moustache hair) and finally counting how many bands from the 70’s whose lead singers died before their drummers (he only found 4). When James reached Sweden, he said to Arthur he said, “We’re finally home Arthur, we’re finally home!”
Arthur said to James in his crazy little hatty voice, he said, “We aren’t home, we’re in Sweden!”
The salt water must have rusted James’ brain! James stepped out onto the lush, green fertile land and the first thing he heard was…
“Argh, now there’s a lonely lad if ever I saw one!”
It was an Irish man! James must’ve crash-landed in Ireland! Well, watcha gunna do?
James thought to himself that he must not jump to conclusions, so he said to the man “You wouldn’t happen to be Swedish would you?”
“Sorry, laddie but I am not Swedish”
“Well you wouldn’t happen to be half Swedish, would you?”
“No, sorry laddie.”
“Quarter?”
“Nope, I am Irish to the core. I have never left Ireland and neither has anyone in my family.”
James then thought it was safe to make the assumption that he and Arthur had crash-landed in Ireland.
“What’s your name?” James asked
“Angus.” Angus answered.
“Well ya wouldn’t happen to be half Jamaican would ya?”
“No, laddie, like I said before, I am a pure bred Irish man.”
“Oh, it’s just that if you were part Jamaican I would say something witty, like: I can tell you’re Jamaican because Ja-maican me crazy!”
Angus didn’t laugh at all. James thought to himself that Angus must be telling the truth because no one but an Irish man could not laugh at a joke as funny as that. James asked if Angus would be able to show him around Ireland. Angus agreed. Unfortunately for James, Ireland wasn’t helping him achieve his life long dream and his life was going down the drain, so he decided to move to the “Big cheese” “Old gray” “Brick land” or as the locals liked to call it….London. It sounded a funny name for a town but at the same time had a special ring to it.
James was lost until he ran into a lady called Gertrude and her husband Philip. She was a big, beefy woman and he was a small man, up to James’ neck. She carried him around in her backpack. She called him “My Little Philly Willy Dilly on Cheese”. The cold streets of London were not what James was used to. He was used to the streets of the Wooden Barrel. James told them about his sponsorship problems so they showed him a company called JamSpo, which stood for “James’ Sponsors”. James asked them if they wanted to sponsor him but they said they were looking for a different type of James. He even told them his life long dream and made up some stuff, like that he was a member of an ING mutual trust fund with 4.5% profit granted and compounded quarterly and owned a pool that is full of jelly. But they still wouldn’t accept him!
James asked Gertrude if she would show him a kickboxing ring where he could brush up on a few of his moves. She thought a while and said, “I’ll teach you myself”. She said she was a champion street fighter seven years in a row! James got scared so he did the only thing a handsome, young, nobleman would do. He called her ‘Fatty Boom Sticks’ then ran between two French doors and locked one shut. It was classic. Gertrude didn’t know what had hit her, until her Little Philly Willy Dilly on Cheese came and unlocked the door. Arghh ‘twas many a bunch of pain felt that unforgettable day. God had beaten her with the ugly stick before she was born and now she had beaten James with her street fighting skills. Well actually, to say that she had been beaten by the ugly stick was a bit of an understatement, what really happened was: God had beaten her with the ugly stick before she was born, then she fell down the ugly tree, hitting every ugly branch along the way down, then she was caught by her ugly mother where she caught the ugly disease.
James ended up in hospital and when he was lying there he made a vow to himself that he would eat ice cream in front of a gym on Wednesday (Wednesday was ‘Bump and Bulge’ Night where fat people came to shed kilos). That’s what he’d do as soon as he got out. “Nooooo, Nurse, nooo”. James woke up and to his surprise; his seventh finger from the left had been taken.
“DAMN YOU PHILLY WILLY DILLY ON CHEESE! DAM YOU GERTRUDE, DAMN YOU UZBECKERS! DAMN YOU ALL!”
